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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27514369">Juciest Lucius and his magnificent ‘Staff’</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Howdafloof/pseuds/Howdafloof'>Howdafloof</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Arthurs Semen has its own name and is somewhat sentient against thots, Draco is a tsundere, F/M, Gilderoy redemption, Ginny Weasley suffers but gets her own, Harry has somewhat dodgy taste in men, Hat based impregnantion, M/M, Mentions of trelawney abuse via bludger, Molly Weasleys naked body can turn men to stone AND homosexuality., lucius Malfoy has a magnificent extendable arse</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 02:33:33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,605</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27514369</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Howdafloof/pseuds/Howdafloof</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“ARTHUR WHERE IS MY IMPREGNATION?!” Came the screeching of Molly Weasley who had taken to clearing Lockhearts signing table and laying spread eagle on her back, knickers round her ankles. So far anyone who had so much dared to glance at the dark forbidding space between the Weasley woman’s legs had been turned to stone.</p><p>A joyous retelling of the Diagon Alley trip in Harry’s second year with the Weasley’s</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Arthur Weasley/Lucius Malfoy, Arthur Weasley/Molly weasley (Briefly), Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter/Gilderoy Lockhart, Harry Potter/Gilderoy Lockhart</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Juciest Lucius and his magnificent ‘Staff’</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Crack time involving a rare pair for y'all.</p><p>Oh I don’t own Harry Potter or the show ‘Teenage and Pregnant’</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Now <em>come on</em>-We’re already behind-Percy stop looking pompously at the doorknob, Fred-George-stop trying to summon an elder god, Ginny for goodness sake stop dying your hair black it looks <em>ridiculous</em>.”</p><p>“This is who I am mum-wouldn’t expect you to understand” Ginny scoffed before throwing her hair back and looking moodily at the fireplace they were all due to hop into.</p><p>“Yes yes I used to have periods to dear-Arthur! Are you ready?” Molly shouted upwards, not noticing the older Weasley males looking horrified at the revelation. As with most things parent-you know they did it but when they say it it becomes gross.</p><p>Arthur strode down the stairs in his pointiest hat that instantly had his wife’s nipples attempting to imitate the sheer pointiness through extreme hat-based arousal.</p><p>“Oh Arthur you <em>beast!</em>”</p><p>Ron gagged while the others cringed so hard you could hear their neck’s crick.</p><p>Arthur just smirked sort of sexily and whipped his head forward, the hats point extending and piercing an apple on the kitchen table Percy had been reaching for before shooting back and flicking up as Arthur flung his head back. The apple flicked off the point, causing it to spin in midair before landing in the hat wears hand in a smooth motion. </p><p>Before the devoted husband could take a bite of his nutritious hat-gathered snack Molly Weasley’s bra pinged off from sheer arousal and one of the straps swung over and whacked the apple out of Arthur’s hand straight through a window, narrowly missing Ron’s head.</p><p>“Say dear...” the rather horny women started as began undoing the strings of her apron.</p><p>“How would you feel about another...few children...as in...right now?” She asked sweetly.</p><p>A moment passed.</p><p>Then every Weasley was clambering at the floo yelling variants of ‘Diagon Alley’ that became a roar of incoherent crap in the speakers fear.</p><p>“<em>Dobby-Von-dalley-</em>”</p><p>“<em>Die on my gallery!</em>”</p><p>“<em>Diddle my fanny-</em>”</p><p>“<em>For Allah!</em>”</p><p>Arthur began to sweat nervously as the last of his children crashed into the floo and emerged god knows where. As much as he loved his wife -her horny face was scary and such a turnoff that he instantly became gay.</p><p>“Sorry Molly gobbles-I mean waddles-I mean <em>wobbles</em>-but we really need to get to Diagon Alley-after all Juicy Lucy-I mean <em>Lucius Mafoy</em> is going to be there with his magnificent ass-I mean <em>staff</em>-” Arthur blurted, somehow failing to make Molly even remotely suspicious.</p><p>“Oh of course dear! Let us move with haste-maybe you can impregnate me in the back room of Olivander’s-”</p><p>“Diagonally!”</p><p> </p><p>After managing to find his way out of knockturn alley Arthur joined up with the rest of his family in a shitty old bookshop where Gilderoy Fuckhea-Lockhart-was being a general nuisance and attempting to seduce Harry Potter. He was then yelled at by Tsundere Malfoy.</p><p>“Bet you loved that Potter-n-not that I would know or care ab-bout you <em>BAKA</em>!” The young Malfoy wailed before running away-unable to see through his tightly shut eyes he pelted stright into a bookshelf and knocked himself out.</p><p>Before anyone could laugh at the scene, a rhythmic booming thud reverberated through the shop getting louder and louder.</p><p>“What on earth is that!?” Molly wobbled with each thud, her body fat bouncing upwards before slapping down as if cheering the oncoming event.</p><p>Finally the last boom succeeded in shaking the shitty old door off it’s equally shitty hinges revealing-</p><p>“Lucius Malfoy” said man said to no one in particular as he strode through the opening.</p><p>Or tried to, unfortunately his bulbous extending derrière got caught halfway through and the man nearly got whiplash as he was yanked back. However, ever the dignified man, old Juicey merely turned and Bombarda Maximus’d the frame, destroying it and half the surrounding shopfront as well. Smiling politely as the shop sign crashed to the ground behind him he walked towards the back of the shop, taking out every nearby book stand with his swinging arse cheeks as he approached the crowd no longer focused on Guilderoy Lockhart attempting to grope Potter’s arse. Lucious stopped to stare down at Draco, sprawled out on the shop floor, gave a thoughtful hum then proceeded to gently levitate his unconscious son into a nearby bin before approaching Arthur and smirking at him.</p><p>“Well I say Arthur-you look positively dashing, quite the erection you’ve got on your head there.” The Blonde cooed at the ginger, battering his eyelashes seductively and causing Arthur to blush brightly, his pointed hat quivering in anticipation.</p><p>“O-oh yes juicy-I mean Lucius-I-I am quite proud of its length-”</p><p>“Oh <em>Arthur</em>-It’s not the size that matters, it’s what you do with it.” Lucius continued, leaning over his staff, causing his arse to flip up a table of spellbooks behind him as it presented itself like a peacocks tail feathers, jiggling softly like badly made video game boob physics.</p><p>“O-oooh Lucy!” Arthur moaned unable to hold back his pointyhatgasm any longer-like a volcano erupting, hot white spurts of Weasleymen came blasting out of the hats tip and rained down over the crowd. Mass hysteria took place as the straight men with fragile masculinity became petrified at the thought of touching another man’s hat-based semen. Any women unlucky enough to get even a dribble of Arthur’s magic goo were instantly impregnated from the man’s magically buffed sperm-Rumour has it that Arthur’s sperm could swim the channel in order to impregnate someone and would punch through any virginal walls in order to get to its goal. Luckily Molly’s sheer horniness cast a permanent protective charm around her vagina, allowing it to take the beating her husbands sperm gave.</p><p>It may as well have been a tryout for some strange ground-based Quidditch game for young Ginny Weasley who was moving faster then any anime character in recent history in attempting to dodge the downpour of her fathers sperm less she give birth to such ginger-ness that even Voldemort would be cowering in fear. She was outplayed however by her mother shoulder-checking her through a nearby window as the matriarch attempted to be blessed by hat based impreganation. Unfortunately she still had her terrifying horny face on and before it hit her the semen uttered a small ‘fuck this shit’ and diverted course resulting in Hermione Granger becoming the next star for ‘Teenage and Pregnant’</p><p>“Oh Arthur, no need to get flustered on my account~” Lucius crooned as Arthur’s hatgasm began to finally die down into gentle spurts instead of the previous volcano-esc eruption. Taking a step forward Lucius reached out and swiped a finger over Arthur’s cheek which-along with the rest of him-was covered in hat sperm. The blonde proceeded to sexily put his finger in his mouth and sucked on it.</p><p>“Mmmm...near poverty and ginger-a delightful mix~” He nearly moaned.</p><p>“ARTHUR WHERE IS MY IMPREGNATION?!” Came the screeching of Molly Weasley who had taken to clearing Lockhearts signing table and laying spread eagle on her back, knickers round her ankles. So far anyone who had so much dared to glance at the dark forbidding space between the Weasley woman’s legs had been turned to stone. Lockhart seemed have noticed nothing wrong and was handily admiring the stoned figures (palming Granger’s father’s bulge.)</p><p>Wincing at the voice, Arthur stared like a kicked puppy who was about to go for slaughter at Lucius, the man’s lip twisting  uncomfortably as he tried to look away before finally giving into the oddly adorable look.</p><p>“Oh Arthur...<em>Oh to hell with it!</em>”</p><p>With a swish of his hips, Lucius’ extending Derrière had swung across the room and slammed into the table Molly was lying on like a battering ram, sending both women and smashed table flying straight through the window her daughter had been shoulder checked through prior.</p><p>Unfortunately said daughter had been gingerly (hehe) attempting to climb back in through the smashed window as the front entrance was caved in by acts of butt. The youngest Weasley had just enough time to look up and mutter a terrified ‘butt nuggets’ before Molly Weasley’s flying fat engulfed her and sent them both out the window and across the street, smashing through the front entrance of Olivander’s.</p><p>It was said that any wands in Molly’s vicinity became floppy and useless and the wand maker (after being turned out of stone) spent nearly a month replenishing his stock to its former glory.</p><p>Molly herself was arrested for acts of crazed horniness and was sent to horny jail for a week.</p><p>This was more then enough time for Juicy Lucy, his magnificent Arse and Arthur to elope to France where Lucius’ Arse was praised as a god due to it being able to swallow many a baguette.</p><p>Ginny Weasley suffered a little bit of trauma and took it out in her second year by pelting bludgers at anyone who was fat, female and ginger.</p><p>Though not fat, Professor Trelawney failed to predict all seven times a bludger would send her to the hospital wing.</p><p>Harry managed to convince Gilderoy Lockhart to stop being such a prat and the man vowed to become a beacon of truth and to never again lie about his accomplishments. Harry apparently had a thing for reformed dickheads and since Malfoy was currently ‘in-disposal’ Harry went for the next best thing (apparently ignoring the rest of the dickheads in Slytherin) and snogged Gilderoy.</p><p>Malfoy was kind of peeved when he finally woke up after the waste disposal men prodded him for several minutes but quickly joined the two and started a poly relationship.</p><p>They had some really nice sex a few years later when they became sexy.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
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